A rather long write....

Desperate.



I am desperate for a change. Desperate for someone to love, someone to love me. I'm desperate to find out what it feels like to have a mom and a dad who both feel about me as I do about them; lovingly. As many people as I've known in my life and none of them can ever believe the things that I've been through in my life or how I could always be the one to get kicked when I'm down. It's all I've known, this feeling of falling through cracks and aloneness. I have a family of four. My wife and our two boys. Biologically hers, but ours none the less. I want to be a good parent to them but I don't feel the connection that I think I should. I am proud of them but again I don't feel that umbilical chord like longing and attachment that I wish I did. I don't share that feeling with anyone. I have 12 brothers and sisters, possibly more out there somewhere, but I didn't get to grow up with most of them so I don't have a confidant who understands the feelings that I am feeling in my heart and in my soul. I don't remember what it was like to be a child only that I feel like more of one at 31 than I did at 3 or 13.

I'm longing for a change that will reset my soul. Searching for a new high that will take me out of the gutters of life that I feel I have been swimming in since the womb. I'm so tired of feeling like all I have to look forward to is impending doom. I am desperate for someone to rescue me just as I was desperate years ago when I first felt the feelings of torment and chaos as these hurricanes of confusion first crossed my mind. I'm longing for a chance to be heard. To be seen, to be understood, to have a fresh start. A real start. As opposed to the being thrown out of the car window and told to survive feeling that I share with “Joe Dirt”. I don't understand what it is about me that has caused this. Or why I even feel like I could have done something to cause this when in reality I know it was my sociopathic father. I don't blame my mother for getting out and getting away. I don't blame my mother for needing to retreat into cocaine dreams, I only blame her for not coming back to get me with the cavalry of friends and family that she eventually acquired while I stayed locked up in a hellacious existence.

I've always been oppressed by the man I call dad. Only been told twice he was proud and I think it was because he wanted a pat on the back for being such a caring man. He enjoys those pats on the back though he gets off more on making me feel like I am nothing other than sub human. Today I am trying to make a stand but I'm really pissed off because once again I let myself get foiled and sucked into his web of deceit. He knows I have always wanted a father who loves me and the blob that he is morphed into this caring man who had a change of heart after facing death with coronary diseases and played with my emotions knowing that I am a sucker for those who are suffering. He wanted us to be closer, he wanted to help us and be the man he should've been all of those years ago and yet here I sit, betrayed, belittled, and so completely over it all that all I can see is red.

I want to live my life. I want to remember what it's like to have a heart of my own the flies free rather than being drenched in tears for being duped (again) and for what I've longed for for so long.

I want to be someone important to the two people who should have cared when they saw me first open my eyes, or take my first steps, or when I said my first word. But I'll never have that and I have to find a way to get past this. There are so many days when I feel exhausted and I just don't want to go on. However my faith in a compassionate God keeps me alive. I don't want to disappoint my true creator for taking the nearest exit instead of pushing ahead to my final destination.

I can't help but to feel these feelings of desperation to get up and out and find the ability to stand on my on two feet again, but in a capitalistic society it's near impossible to stand up without having to pay someone for the privilege to do so.

I want to be independent of this world. I want to be independent o everyone and everything around me. I don't want to need anyone for anything but unfortunately by not having anyone as a kid, I need everyone so much more now than ever. My heart breaks every day that I have to breath without the love needed to plug up the pot holes and fist holes. I'm shattered and torn and tired of it all. Tired. That's such a great summary of it all. I'm tired. Exhausted. I need to rest. A vacation from it all. It's gotten to the point that I hate watching television because the relationships of others triggers me into remembering what I will never have. I can't watch people who have money and don't deserve it parade around and stomp their feet when they don't get their way on these “reality” shows. There is nothing real about any of it to me.

I often wonder how the average person could be so uncaring to treat another living being in these ways? Everyone has feelings. Well strike that, most of us have feelings and perhaps mine are a little more intense than others, but it doesn't mean that anyone deserves to be the target of rage, hate, hurt, and pain. It's just never fun to be on the receiving end of it.

I need a vacation from thinking about others. A way to focus on myself. I'm drowning after all and some swimming lessons would be great right about now.

I need a vacation from being poor and unemployed. I need to feel excited and overjoyed. Even if it's just for one day because let's face it, I may not have many more than that upon the road ahead.

I'm desperate for someone to tell me that it'll all be okay rather than the usual “It always gets worse before it gets better.” or “Things can't get much worse.” Because every time I hear that curse I am cursed with things being so much worse.

If you don't understand my rants and raves by now, you never will and perhaps that kind of ignorance is bliss. But if you do get it, I just hope your life isn't half as fucked as this.

This is the end of my day as God has pulled down the shade. I'm tired and cold. I'm hungry and old for being 31. I'm fat and unhappy. Sore inside and out, and all I can do is sit here and try to keep myself from letting it all out. Here and now is all I have. Yesterday is dead and buried although it still likes to haunt my days as if they were someone else's nightmares that I'm stuck in. Tomorrow may fade before I can grab it so for now it's time for a drink, or a smoke, or some way to make myself get out of this mood, this seat, this funk. Take your time and be kind to strangers, fore families and friends can hurt you so much worse.