Or something like that.
I'm going to start writing in my blog again but really thinking of switching it up to a word press site. What do you guys think??
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
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I have to power this website some how and this is a FREE way to save money while shopping online. All I ask is that you check it out by clicking here:
Ebates!
By doing this for me, we can both earn $5!
Thanks for the support!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Insomniatic Musings....
I think I liked myself better when I was on drugs. I think everyone else did too. There's something to be said for being the life of the party vs. being the crazy one locked in her house feeling the feeling of bugs crawling on stretched skin and cells dying or multiplying depending on the occasion.
It's amazing how sane I feel until I'm around other people and then I question the reality of what is real or normal. I question the ability to be so emotionally detached from people and memories, theories and music. Oh yeah, there's something orgasmic about the music that is made out there in the world. It's the one thing in this inhumane humanity that knows no boundaries of race, or sex, or sexual orientation, or shoe size. There's nothing like rolling up to a stop light and hearing the guy who you just flipped off rocking out to the same song as you are and some how you feel like maybe he's not such a bad guy if he likes Nirvana or Green Day, or Janis Joplin, or Jay-Z or whatever in the hell that last song was that you were listening to.
I used to have a lot of friends until they realized I was crazy or on the verge of being so, and I realized they were boring. Even those who once seemed so bold and different were all members of the same rebellion. There was nothing different about them at all other than location. I often feel like I'm stuck in a suspended state of time while the rest of the world keeps spinning. Every time I see a familiar face it has aged while I feel as though I've stayed the same. There's nothing like getting lost in your own mind to keep you young at heart.
I watch quirky things on television when there are such quirky things to watch. In each of them I feel there lies a certain line of truth about life but if you get up before a commercial you might just miss it. Other people are too busy making money to realize that life is passing them by. I guess that's why I will die broke.
I get totally freaked out hearing about the end of the world even if it won't be for another 5 billion years. There's something about the thought of what it will be like when the Earth exists no longer and we have long ago departed that makes me sad and nervous and excited all at the same time.
When I was a child, I watched a man die. He was lying on the cement surrounded by strangers. It was a car crash. I don't know how he got there, on the pavement I mean. I just know that he looked like a kind man, as he looked back at me. We exchanged glances like notes being passed in the hands of middle schoolers. Mine said I was sorry, his said he was too. I don't know what he was sorry for but I have felt the sorrow ever since.
I played chess with a man that was declared unstable by the government and every person that ever looked at him. It was the most enlightening three hours of my life. I would have given him a kidney or my soul except that he was one of the few people that wasn't asking for anything in return for the gift he was giving me.
I had a gun put to my head and learned very quickly that I couldn't trust anyone no matter how much they said they loved me. I was raped and reminded again how I could never trust anyone despite the words that they said. My words are my currency. It's all I have and everyone of them is filled with more sincerity than the pay check you work so tirelessly for. I've been told that I was a liar by people who had never known truth and abducted by Christians who wanted my sex.
It's amazing how one can see it all and know so little, but I will be the first to admit that I know nothing. I question reality. I question authority. I question myself. I question who will read this dribble and find my lines of truth hidden between the texts.
I don't expect to be believed. I mean, just look at me. I'm a junkie, I'm a whore, I'm a dyke, I'm a fiend. I'm a liar, I'm a sinner, I'm the God damned Joker. What is it that you're looking for? You see there I go again, with the questions. The questions race in circles, lap after lap, around my mind as I am the chicken just trying to cross the road. All I want is to make it to the other side.
I don't know when it happened, my transition from sane to insane or why for that matter. Perhaps it was so gradual that I didn't notice but I have been trying to find my way back for some time. I used to have friends once, but they all realized that I wasn't one of them, and I... Well... I was glad.
It's amazing how sane I feel until I'm around other people and then I question the reality of what is real or normal. I question the ability to be so emotionally detached from people and memories, theories and music. Oh yeah, there's something orgasmic about the music that is made out there in the world. It's the one thing in this inhumane humanity that knows no boundaries of race, or sex, or sexual orientation, or shoe size. There's nothing like rolling up to a stop light and hearing the guy who you just flipped off rocking out to the same song as you are and some how you feel like maybe he's not such a bad guy if he likes Nirvana or Green Day, or Janis Joplin, or Jay-Z or whatever in the hell that last song was that you were listening to.
I used to have a lot of friends until they realized I was crazy or on the verge of being so, and I realized they were boring. Even those who once seemed so bold and different were all members of the same rebellion. There was nothing different about them at all other than location. I often feel like I'm stuck in a suspended state of time while the rest of the world keeps spinning. Every time I see a familiar face it has aged while I feel as though I've stayed the same. There's nothing like getting lost in your own mind to keep you young at heart.
I watch quirky things on television when there are such quirky things to watch. In each of them I feel there lies a certain line of truth about life but if you get up before a commercial you might just miss it. Other people are too busy making money to realize that life is passing them by. I guess that's why I will die broke.
I get totally freaked out hearing about the end of the world even if it won't be for another 5 billion years. There's something about the thought of what it will be like when the Earth exists no longer and we have long ago departed that makes me sad and nervous and excited all at the same time.
When I was a child, I watched a man die. He was lying on the cement surrounded by strangers. It was a car crash. I don't know how he got there, on the pavement I mean. I just know that he looked like a kind man, as he looked back at me. We exchanged glances like notes being passed in the hands of middle schoolers. Mine said I was sorry, his said he was too. I don't know what he was sorry for but I have felt the sorrow ever since.
I played chess with a man that was declared unstable by the government and every person that ever looked at him. It was the most enlightening three hours of my life. I would have given him a kidney or my soul except that he was one of the few people that wasn't asking for anything in return for the gift he was giving me.
I had a gun put to my head and learned very quickly that I couldn't trust anyone no matter how much they said they loved me. I was raped and reminded again how I could never trust anyone despite the words that they said. My words are my currency. It's all I have and everyone of them is filled with more sincerity than the pay check you work so tirelessly for. I've been told that I was a liar by people who had never known truth and abducted by Christians who wanted my sex.
It's amazing how one can see it all and know so little, but I will be the first to admit that I know nothing. I question reality. I question authority. I question myself. I question who will read this dribble and find my lines of truth hidden between the texts.
I don't expect to be believed. I mean, just look at me. I'm a junkie, I'm a whore, I'm a dyke, I'm a fiend. I'm a liar, I'm a sinner, I'm the God damned Joker. What is it that you're looking for? You see there I go again, with the questions. The questions race in circles, lap after lap, around my mind as I am the chicken just trying to cross the road. All I want is to make it to the other side.
I don't know when it happened, my transition from sane to insane or why for that matter. Perhaps it was so gradual that I didn't notice but I have been trying to find my way back for some time. I used to have friends once, but they all realized that I wasn't one of them, and I... Well... I was glad.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Maybe I'm the one who should be gone?
Inside I'm dying
I don't even know why I'm trying
She says she's not leaving me
as she packs her bags
in our room
I can't seem to get out from under
this cloud of doom
What can you do
when nothing you do works
What's left to try
when you've tried it all
what's left to live for
when life doesn't want you?
I'm taking a breath
before I take my death
Deciding if its worth it
to keep my eyes open
or if the signs on my path
are telling me to exit
I've tried all that I know
and even tried a few ways
that I don't
All it taught me was that
I shouldn't believe in fairy tales
like happily ever after
There's no such thing as eternity
much less eternal love
It's pointless to make a point anymore
There's no use in fighting
to keep things going
when she says she's not leaving
even though she's already gone
I have nothing anymore
and no where to belong.
Maybe this time I'm the one
who should be gone?
I don't even know why I'm trying
She says she's not leaving me
as she packs her bags
in our room
I can't seem to get out from under
this cloud of doom
What can you do
when nothing you do works
What's left to try
when you've tried it all
what's left to live for
when life doesn't want you?
I'm taking a breath
before I take my death
Deciding if its worth it
to keep my eyes open
or if the signs on my path
are telling me to exit
I've tried all that I know
and even tried a few ways
that I don't
All it taught me was that
I shouldn't believe in fairy tales
like happily ever after
There's no such thing as eternity
much less eternal love
It's pointless to make a point anymore
There's no use in fighting
to keep things going
when she says she's not leaving
even though she's already gone
I have nothing anymore
and no where to belong.
Maybe this time I'm the one
who should be gone?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
106 Degrees
Another hot day
melting of the face
melting of the soul
Lying in my skin
Fan above circulates
stale air
moist with sweat
The 45 dances in circles
on the blue record player
on a make shift table
just for me.
Outside it's 106 unbearable degrees
but inside it's just right.
It's times like these
that make me glad to be alive.
melting of the face
melting of the soul
Lying in my skin
Fan above circulates
stale air
moist with sweat
The 45 dances in circles
on the blue record player
on a make shift table
just for me.
Outside it's 106 unbearable degrees
but inside it's just right.
It's times like these
that make me glad to be alive.
My God, Why Can't I Just Get Laid?
Words words words, will not come
like I can not come
maybe the words are my sex
and since I'm not getting laid
I can't get them to lay
across this page
the way they used to
orgasmically burst,
only to be strewn
about my cosmic mind
this sitcom like comedy that I'm living
is giving me a wedgie inside of the ass crack of my soul
and all of a sudden everything's just moving to slow
Maybe I've lost it
my ability to fuck my way through the vocabulary
as if each word were my whore for the night
my right hand pumping them out
harder and faster
like a detachable dick-tionary
a prosthesis to make up
for my disability
of social norm
It's been like this ever since I was born
This urge to just write and type
in a nympho-manic sort of way
My God, why can't I just get laid?
like I can not come
maybe the words are my sex
and since I'm not getting laid
I can't get them to lay
across this page
the way they used to
orgasmically burst,
only to be strewn
about my cosmic mind
this sitcom like comedy that I'm living
is giving me a wedgie inside of the ass crack of my soul
and all of a sudden everything's just moving to slow
Maybe I've lost it
my ability to fuck my way through the vocabulary
as if each word were my whore for the night
my right hand pumping them out
harder and faster
like a detachable dick-tionary
a prosthesis to make up
for my disability
of social norm
It's been like this ever since I was born
This urge to just write and type
in a nympho-manic sort of way
My God, why can't I just get laid?
Friday, June 11, 2010
My big library adventure....
I actually got offline for a little while yesterday!
I felt like I hadn't used my legs in months and fought through the searing pain of sunlight as it forced its way through my eyes.
It was hard not to squint and although I wanted to retaliate back to the comfort of my couch dent, I forged ahead!
As soon as I got outside the sweat came pouring off of my face, which was the moment I had an Epiphany and realized that in order for my venture outdoors, I had to find a place to hide from that damned sun ASAP!
I got in my car and put down the sun visor while looking for my shades, and immediately cranked up the AC as the sweat started forming behind my knees. Ugh!
My gas tank was as hungry as I was so I figured a quick trip to the gas station would fulfill us both. A slim jim and 2 gallons of gas later, we were both feeling a little better about this venture.
The car had cooled down enough to be tolerable and the traffic wasn't nearly as bad as the jam I had conjured up in my head so I decided I might not need that last Kolonopin after all. I did have to figure out where to go though before this asshole behind me blows an artery the way he's blowing his horn.
I made a left which was surprisingly easier than making a right. About that time the Gods shined on me as I received a call from my local library that the book I reserved a month prior had finally arrived.
The New Graphic Design School by Alan Swann made me hopeful that I really could step up my artwork and perhaps even make some money doing it!
Luckily, I was already headed in that direction. As I was pulling up I realized that the few cars that were strewn about the parking lot were all occupied. I looked at the clock and realized I now had another 25 minutes before the library opened up. Just my luck!
I should've bought something to drink while I was at the gas station and now it was too far to go back but just close enough to taunt me. I suffered through the heat.
I opened all of the windows and melted like a candy bar under the hot sun into the seats. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, I heard the sound of the door unlocking. Thank GOD!
Since I really make it an effort not to venture out of the house too often, I decided to stock up on supplies. I really should unplug once in a while and start reading actual books again. I was beginning to forget how much I loved the library until yesterday, when I walked in and was greeted with a 70 degree kiss from the AC faeries, and learned there was a whole other section to the library that I had been missing.
The "New" section sang to me like angels at heavens gate. I ended up with TWELVE books! (All of which are due in 2 weeks!) If any of what I checked out turns out to be a good book, I'll definitely let you know!
For those of you who want to start getting back into reading I have to tell you that there is an AMAZING E-book called "Little Brother" by Cori Doctrow that is quite possibly one of the best books that I've read in years! I downloaded it on my G1 and couldn't put it down!
If you find anything good let me know! I need some good reads :)
I felt like I hadn't used my legs in months and fought through the searing pain of sunlight as it forced its way through my eyes.
It was hard not to squint and although I wanted to retaliate back to the comfort of my couch dent, I forged ahead!
As soon as I got outside the sweat came pouring off of my face, which was the moment I had an Epiphany and realized that in order for my venture outdoors, I had to find a place to hide from that damned sun ASAP!
I got in my car and put down the sun visor while looking for my shades, and immediately cranked up the AC as the sweat started forming behind my knees. Ugh!
My gas tank was as hungry as I was so I figured a quick trip to the gas station would fulfill us both. A slim jim and 2 gallons of gas later, we were both feeling a little better about this venture.
The car had cooled down enough to be tolerable and the traffic wasn't nearly as bad as the jam I had conjured up in my head so I decided I might not need that last Kolonopin after all. I did have to figure out where to go though before this asshole behind me blows an artery the way he's blowing his horn.
I made a left which was surprisingly easier than making a right. About that time the Gods shined on me as I received a call from my local library that the book I reserved a month prior had finally arrived.
The New Graphic Design School by Alan Swann made me hopeful that I really could step up my artwork and perhaps even make some money doing it!
Luckily, I was already headed in that direction. As I was pulling up I realized that the few cars that were strewn about the parking lot were all occupied. I looked at the clock and realized I now had another 25 minutes before the library opened up. Just my luck!
I should've bought something to drink while I was at the gas station and now it was too far to go back but just close enough to taunt me. I suffered through the heat.
I opened all of the windows and melted like a candy bar under the hot sun into the seats. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, I heard the sound of the door unlocking. Thank GOD!
Since I really make it an effort not to venture out of the house too often, I decided to stock up on supplies. I really should unplug once in a while and start reading actual books again. I was beginning to forget how much I loved the library until yesterday, when I walked in and was greeted with a 70 degree kiss from the AC faeries, and learned there was a whole other section to the library that I had been missing.
The "New" section sang to me like angels at heavens gate. I ended up with TWELVE books! (All of which are due in 2 weeks!) If any of what I checked out turns out to be a good book, I'll definitely let you know!
For those of you who want to start getting back into reading I have to tell you that there is an AMAZING E-book called "Little Brother" by Cori Doctrow that is quite possibly one of the best books that I've read in years! I downloaded it on my G1 and couldn't put it down!
If you find anything good let me know! I need some good reads :)
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